30 years and I learned what love is

People talked about love lighting up our lives. Making us better. Making us happier. Filling life with joy.

I must have been too used to being hard, I’d not experienced love the way others spoke of it. I never understood it. I didn’t recognise those feelings. I didn’t connect the words.

To me love was fleeting. It brought me joy in the moment, but had it ever made me inherently joyful? I don’t think so.

Then I met him. 29 years old, moving back to London to enjoy a few years of single life, and he walks into my life. The moment I met him, my life changed. It lasted 18 months, and it left me bitterly crushed with a pain I know I’ll carry for the rest of my days. Yet it was the most incredible feeling I’ve ever experienced, I wouldn’t change a moment of it. I learned what love feels like.

I let love in. 30 years old and this feeling submerging me. Overwhelming joy, fear, happiness, pain. It scared the shit out of me. Yet I felt like a completely different person. I still do. It’s fundamentally changed me; it’s changed how I process the world, how I visualise my future, how I engage with the relationships in my life.

It made me lighter. It made better. It lit up my life.

Losing him was the most painful experience I’ve ever been through. I was crushed. Yet I wouldn’t change a moment of it.  I learned what love feels like.

Author: Little Miss James
Pronouns: he/they
Titles: Personal Trainer, Fitness Instructor, Blogger, Deep Feeler, Dreams of my happily ever after

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