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I told a bottom I won't sleep with him

because his bum's too hairy

Little Miss James

Little Miss James

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Warning: advice may be brutal and sassy

The Dilemma

Tom (he/him) l 26 l Gay l London

I’d been messaging this cute guy for a while and was looking forward to meeting him. We finally sorted a meet at mine but when he pulled his pants down his bum was hairy. As the top, I like a well maintained bottom, definitely smooth. He has smooth skin everywhere else so I assumed his bum would have been too.

I was immediately turned off and told him straight-up that I won’t sleep with him because his bum is too hairy. I said we can meet again when he’s shaved the area. He got really offended by it and has blocked me from all social media.

Other than this issue, he was particularly cute and very much my type, albeit the hair is a big issue for me. I can’t understand why he’s blocked me for it though, it’s always better to be honest.

What are your thoughts on it?

Tom thinks his no-strings bottom should have shaved his backside l We think Tom needs to stop controlling people l LGBTQ+ Advice Column l LGBTQ Wellness

The Response

Hmmm… I’m torn with you, Tom.

Some of what you’ve said is inspiring, and I wish all of us as humans could be more direct and honest with one another, particularly when it comes to sex, dating, and relationships. It would avoid so many of us going through the agonising ping pong of sporadic messaging, blowing hot and cold, and ultimate ghosting.

That said, there is an undertone of control within the way you’ve structured your question to me. You say ‘I said we can meet again when he’s shaved the area’, and it’s immediately striking to me that you made the decision you will both meet again (based on your condition being met, of course).

Have you stopped to think that maybe he doesn’t want to see you again?

Have you considered that maybe he’s happy with his grooming choices, and has zero desire to change that solely to appease your sexual preferences?

As a bottom, I’ve experienced this a lot over the years – tops who think I should change my appearance to fit what they desire.

But bottoms don’t owe you that, nobody does.

So let’s unpick the situation a little deeper…

Explaining your sexual preferences

I do respect that you’ve been clear with this sexual partner what does and doesn’t turn you on – I wish more people have the ability to do this in a calm and mature conversation.

I also think it’s important we as humans can communicate these things, so don’t lose that trait. It’s important to have.

Your choice of communication

However, do I think it could have been communicated better? 

Yes, absolutely.

From reading your question, am I safe to assume you’re a direct person in all aspects of life?

I image you’re quite logically minded; you see thinks as clear blacks, whites, and can confidently make decisions based on the information presented before you.

I image you also get frustrated by others who aren’t able to talk so directly on matters in hand, or who don’t seem to make decisions as quickly and confidently as yourself.

We’re all different, Tom. Every single one of us.

Some of us see the world in a more nuanced rainbow, a kaleidoscope of colours that seems to be constantly shifting and evolving. Those types of people take longer to make decisions because they’re likely considering a far wider breadth of information than you yourself would. I’m doing it now in fact, in my response to you about a simple question on hairy bottoms (and it’s likely agitating you, isn’t it?).

What does nuanced decision making have to do with your sexual desire for a smooth bottom?

Healthy relationships happen when we can understand that not everyone operates the same way as us.

Healthy relationships happen when we can see that others have different needs to us.

What might not offend you, could be terribly offensive to another person – and I can see how a bottom would be highly offended by being told their bum is too hairy for you.

Real relationships are not built on a dominant/subservient dependency

Alternatively, it’s possible they’re not offended, and they’ve instead blocked you because they value themselves enough to know you’re not worthy of their energy (shocking to hear, right? They might not actually be into you!).

It sounds like you need to get better at communicating with other human beings, Tom.

If you haven’t done so already, I recommend exploring your Myers Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) – it’s a highly commended and accurate self-analysis tool that helps you identify your primary drivers and motivations. While it can never be 100% accurate, it’s a good indicator of understanding how you operate during communication with others, in the workplace, and in relationships.

And if your results determine you as an INTJ then you need to come back and see me, because we’ve got some work to do with you.

The sound of your need to dominate others

Finally, and I alluded to this in my opening paragraph, there is a sense within your writing that you have a need to control or dominate others.

Not ready to hear this? Tough. You give it out straight-up, so you need to receive it straight-up.

Your description of the guy you met refers to his looks, but you don’t mention anything of his personality.

You make it clear that ‘as the top’ you have certain expectations of your bottoms, I wonder if you ever asked him his expectations of you?

You made the decision you won’t be sleeping with him, but you so kindly let him know you will sleep with him when your conditions are met.

Do you have a need to be the alpha male, Tom?

Do you have a need to be seen as the main man in the room?

The commander?

You might tell me these are good traits to have, and the right people respect you for that.

If you decide to hear one thing from me today, let it be this:

Real relationships are not built on a dominant/subservient dependency

Relationships are built when we open our hearts and minds to learning about others, understanding what makes them tick, and making them a priority. We can put our loved ones on a higher pedestal than us, and it not demasculinise our status in life.

And finally, relationships are built when we bother to see beyond ‘how cute they are’ or ‘how smooth their skin is’

My Final Thoughts

My parting thoughts for you Tom, are;

If you genuinely like this guy, his actual personality that is, not his butt, then you need to reflect on your choice of language to him, and when you’re ready, find a way to contact him to ask if he’ll meet you for an apology. You need to look him straight in the eyes to say sorry, and let him know what you’ve learned about yourself from this process.

Otherwise, if you just like him ‘because he looks cute’, then I suggest you update your grindr with explicit commentary on how important a smooth bottom is to you, and leave the other guy alone – he’s better off without your grooming guidelines in his life.

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