A wild story, a ‘late to lesbian’, and hooking up with a friend in eighth grade – she didn’t allow herself to experience feelings for a girl again until she was 24. Her young years was spent sleeping with men she didn’t have emotions for. The same lack of emotion presented itself in her lesbian journey, except for the girlfriend who she loves today endlessly.
With nearly 6000 Instagram followers, a travel blog, rainbow clothing brand and model bookings with her partner, we introduce The Blonde Explorer – at 26, Sarah is still determining her identification as she tries to make sense of why she hasn’t experienced emotion beyond the sexual, except for her partner Rachael.
Is Sarah sapiosexual? Aromantic? Or had Sarah simply not met someone truly worth her value until Rachael. Let’s find out.
Let’s start with the dirt, Sarah. What happened in eighth grade?
It was a sleepover! We were all having cheeky alcoholic drinks that we snuck from our parent’s liquor cabinet, played a little truth or dare, and the next minute we were making out. We got a little frisky with the hands! We swept it under the rug and literally never spoke about it again; laughed it off really, for the fear of what rumours could get around. In the 8th grade people aren’t very understanding or open minded. Well, back in 2008 they weren’t.
When you started to explore with guys, would you say you were sexually active like most young people, or were your interactions with men infrequent?
I was definitely outgoing, adventurous, and loved to have a good time during my younger high school years, and was probably a bit more sexually active than my friends (lets hope mom and dad don’t read this!). Sex was never taboo to me, and I was a fairly open person about it! I had two boyfriends in high school, the first being a puppy love relationship, where our parents drove us to the movies because we simply weren’t old enough. We were great friends, and loved holding hands, but there wasn’t fiery passion.
At the end of high school, in 12th grade, I experienced a toxic relationship; the guy was very erratic, many ups and downs, which meant it was never boring. But it wasn’t healthy. It screwed up my idea of sex and relationships for over 6 years. After that relationship ended, my wild child came out. I moved away for college, joined a sorority, and was living for the party scene! I played a version of myself that was indestructible, fearless, and did not give a fuck about people or their emotions. I was boycotting love and emotions, I only wanted drunken hook-ups!
I have wild stories from my nights with friends but it was all about putting up walls. I feel guilt, as looking back, I hurt some pretty awesome guys. I just didn’t have intentions to catch feelings, I was there for a good time, not a long time!
The sexual experiences were never really ’that great – I never finished, and let’s be honest, half the time you don’t remember much since alcohol was involved. The only time ’feelings’ happened is when a guy treated me like shit, and knowing that I couldn’t have him made me more drawn to them. Whenever I got them, it was ’pffft. ok im bored now’. Is this a millennial dating thing, a young 20’s phase, or was it that I was realizing I didn’t like men?
How did your mind experience females at the time – was there a natural appreciation for another woman’s beauty, or were you indifferent towards it?
I always had such an appreciation for women, I thought they were gorgeous and so darn sexy. My mind wandered (lots), but I never had the courage to make a move or experiment with these wandering thoughts.
Quick fire questions –
What do you love most about Racheal?
Her sense of adventure, her desire to explore the world, and how she treats me. Racheal gives me so much love and support; she has been key to me being where I am today!
What annoying habit does she have which you’d like to alt+cntrl+delete?
OMG she has this clicking noise with her jaw when she eats and if I’m trying to concentrate on something and she sits beside me when she eats I want to murder her!
What would Rachael say is your habit due for alt+cntrl+delete?
Stop procrastinating by watching Tiktoks for hours on end.
Back to the grit. At 24 you had the courage to explore women. What was your first experience like?
It was so terrifying, but also so THRILLING. It felt like years of wondering and being curious were finally coming to life. I was ready, and I was excited.
I had a crush on this girl in my university class, I finally plucked the courage to tell my best friends, and then they didn’t even blink an eye! They were like ’oh yeah, that’s awesome, what’s she like?”. It was amazing not being questioned about what I was feeling, they treated it like I was telling them about any random guy. Unfortunately, though, I didn’t get my university girl.
Flash forward to the first girl I did properly get with though, she was an out and proud lesbian at work. We were great friends, but my crush on her never stopped growing. She expressed her interest in me, and naturally we took that leap! It was crazy, it was like instantly I thought ’omg I’m an idiot, I’ve totally been into chicks this entire time – this all makes sense now’
Share a cringey sexual encounter from those first years? (mine includes a drama with cherry blossom Vaseline, pretty sure I don’t need to say more!)
Oh god…. one time when I was drunk, I puked on a dude!
You said it was seeing your out and proud co-worker which helped you along your journey. There may be people reading this, young or old, who are experiencing what you went through. What do you say to those people to help them along?
Is to stop overthinking and just let it happen! Take the leap, even if the experience isn’t what you expected it to be, you will be happier because tried. You will get to know yourself so much more and things become clearer. It’s like putting on glasses for the first time!
Rachael has been the first woman in your life who has ignited emotions in you that you didn’t know It’s so beautiful to hear. How do you experience love, Sarah?
For the first time in my life, I feel I’m experiencing true love .What I have with Rachael is true connection, passion, and complete trust.
My love for her is unquestionable, and I do not question the love she has for me. There is never a doubt in my mind about our relationship. I don’t worry if it is going to work out, or if she truly loves me. I just know. It’s the most peaceful feeling knowing that you can be so content as yourself, and that your relationship builds on that.
Racheal and I both have our own passion and goals, they compliment each other well. We push each other in the right directions, and are each other’s biggest cheerleaders. I feel like I can take on the world knowing she has my back. I laugh more, I don’t take life as seriously, and I’ve finally let my guard down. I love fully from the depth of my being.
She’s my absolute best friend first, and lover second. No one could ever know me like Rachael knows me.
I’ve seriously just shed some tears – that is so friggin’ fucking cute.
Sideline question for you – what’s the cutest thing Rachael has ever done for you?
When we first started seeing each other (before we had officially started dating), I left the house at 4am for my 6am start at the airport. I let her sleep in so she just let herself out. When I got home, she had put flowers on my table with a note saying ’I hope you had a great day, beautiful’. I know that sounds simple, but nobody has ever done anything so simple and caring before. It blew my mind. Since then, she’s done so much more, but I always remember that special moment.
Thinking about where you are on your current journey, what ‘identification’ do you think sits right with you? Or perhaps there isn’t a label…
That’s a hard one! When I look at the ’definitions’ of labels, I would say I most identify with Pansexual. After years of figuring myself out, I realize it’s all about the person for me, rather than the parts. Although I don’t think I would ever date a guy again, I still appreciate how sexy men can be. Or lesbian. But honestly, I’m not fussed about titles and names; I let people think whatever they want about me, because I am who I am without the need for a label.
LGBTQ Wellness is created to spread good and help others. Lots of young ladies may read this who feel lost, alone or confused. What message would you like to share with them?
Getting to know yourself, and understanding yourself takes time; it takes a lifetime! You will find things out about yourself constantly. KEEP asking yourself questions, keep digging! Don’t be afraid to explore sides of yourself you are unsure of, you are never going to know the answer until you try! Don’t do anything until you are ready, until you are in a safe place (mentally and physically), and remember, you are never alone! We are all humans, and we’re all going through things that you’re going through too.
Author: Sarah, The Blonde Explorer
Titles: Late-to Lesbian, Possibly Pansexual, Travel Blogger