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James Kearslake
Small business owner,
writer, trans, mental
health advocate
Table of Contents
Trigger warning
This article talks frankly about the high rates of rape and sexual harassment within the LGBTQ+ community, the resulting mental health conditions, and my own experiences of being raped while asleep, locked in someone’s flat, and countless other men preying on me in vulnerable situations.
#metoo
When #metoo happened, I was struck by the sheer scale of sexual violence and predatory behaviour aimed at women.
Yet, when I stopped to think about it, how could anyone have ever been surprised by the proliferation of it?
We all bear witness to the hyper-sexualised, predatory behaviour men subject women to on a daily basis. The issue is so commonplace it was normalised.
Now that our eyes are open, how did we ever let it become normal?
#metoo was the beginning of my own journey to accepting the sexual predation that had been directed towards me as a young gay person. The strange top/bottom dynamics we don’t talk about in public that result from one usually hunting the other.
#metoo opened my eyes to the fact that I had been raped by a senior police officer, and I’d told myself all these years ‘he was owed it’ because I’d made the choice to go to his that night.
older gay men know they're using their dominance to subvert young, impressionable guys. 'he's ripe for corrupting'. I've heard it so many times; the words haunt me.
#metoo made me see that a drunken man locking me in his flat in London, 350km away from my home when I was just 22, small, and skinny, was a more terrifying ordeal than I had ever realised.
#metoo taught me that the groping of my ass and penis by grown men every weekend when I was just 17 was a form of sexual abuse and an infringement on my basic human rights.
Why had I never realised this before?
#metoo also made me realise the years of rape stories from gay sex parties was not okay.
#metoo made me realise gay people don’t see their rape as worthy of reporting, and are blind to their own right to justice.
#metoo also helped me see that our national police forces have always treated gay rape as ‘something that’s just part of the community’. This external narrative we hear that ‘all gay people are horny’ means that heterosexual, cisgendered people see us only as a bunch of sex mad, party people not deserved of the equal treatment in society.
The police have never pursued sexual or hate crimes that LGBTQ+ people have reported for the 17 years that I have been out. It’s no wonder LGBTQ+ people report so few of the crimes that are committed against them.
#gaystoo
#gaystoo is the beginning of me shining the light on the toxic practices within the LGBTQ+ community where young gay men (and boys*), in particular bottoms, are prayed on by grown gay men.
It is the beginning of telling my own story about the sexual abuse I was subjected to every weekend.
And it is where I will provide resources to young gay men (including boys*), and others in the community, to help them avoid the situations I found myself in, keep them safe, and begin calling out the predatory men we have walking among us.
*I include the term boys because it’s very common for ‘twink chasers’ to pray on gay guys who are 16, 17, and 18. While this may be legal within the age of consent, there is a very damaging effect when 30+ year old men go for young people who haven’t fully formed mentally and emotionally. These men can often assert control or dominance over the young boys who are highly impressionable, which can have damaging affects on their mental health and long-term growth.
Adolescent bottoms
As someone who always looked younger than my years and was being ID’d until my late-twenties, I often had boyfriends saying ‘being with you is so hot; you look really young but you’re mature enough to have a conversation with’.
In their mind this was a compliment. Yet, even when I was 18, this comment never sat well with me.
It felt like a complete invalidation of who I was, but I could never understand why.
It’s only now, being 35 and sexually redundant to tops can I understand why it irked me so much. However, giving my explanation is going to tick-off a lot of gay men; many will claim I’m just bitter because I’m not 22 anymore. Others will fail to see the issue and claim I’m just creating clickbait for web views.
Regardless of their views, my explanation is mine to own. Those men who I loved, cared for, took time to learn about and supported, cared more about how young I looked than who I was. They were prioritising my adolescent look for their sexual kicks; I was nothing more than a sexual fantasy. And that really pisses me off.
No, I’m not bitter, as I know many of you will be thinking.
I’m pissed off because young gay men deserve better.
They deserve better than being treated as top’s sexual fantasy, side-lining their thoughts, feelings and emotions.
They deserve better than being treated as a subject for a top’s abusive behaviour (not all tops, but some tops).
They deserve better than being treated as a submissive person within the relationship that the top can emotionally dominate, than a partner of equal sitting.
It pisses me off not for me, but for every single gay person out there who has to deal with the constant sexual predation and invalidation by sexually hungry tops, who are failing to care for, and nurture the younger generations of gay men coming onto the gay scene.
The gay scene is the wild west, and our young gay men needs guiding through it safely, not being used and abused by older gay men who know exactly that they’re using their dominance to subvert young, impressionable gay men. I’ve heard it so many times ‘he’s ripe for corrupting’.
The words haunt me.
I watched him walk to the front door; he locked it, then stood in front of it staring at me. I knew then I was in a dangerous situation
Failing gay peers
Being gay already limits the mentors we have available to navigate the complexities of LGBTQ+ life. Our parents are usually cis-het, our colleagues and peers are often cis-het.
The very gay men who could step up and be leaders to the younger generations of gay people instead choose to play a role of sexualised dominance to assert their power.
While I recognise it’s a result of their own trauma and a need for their healing, I am tired of the same patterns repeating themselves. It has to stop.
Rape at gay sex parties
#metoo helped me also acknowledge the countless stories we have heard over the years, friends of friends waking up at sex parties convinced they’ve been rapid. The rise of GHB and GBL as chemsex drugs resulting in countless gay men going under at parties where nobody cared for them. If they weren’t raped, they were left to die from a toxic mix of GBL and alcohol.
I have witnessed countless men report waking up unaware of what has happened to them, but sensing from their experience that they were sexually abused and raped while under. Yet I’ve seen the same men return to the very sex parties where it happened.
Why does this happen?
We have become blind to the injustice within our community. Society conditioned us to get on with our troubles without their support, so as gay people we ‘just get on with it‘. Why are we not worthy of reporting and seeking justice for a crime that has been done to us?
London in particular has been known for it’s heavy chemsex scene where the damaging effects of GBL and crystal meth run rampant. As a gay person who lived there for ten years I saw countless men crumble from their time there – their mental health deteriorating until there is nothing left of themselves. It’s devasting to witness.
Gay men, if you’ve been raped, or think you’ve been raped, you deserve to report it. You are worthy of seeking justice for what has happened to you.
Rape is a crime.
At the bottom of this article we’ve shared resources available to help you report a rape, regardless of whether it happened recently or decades ago, and support available to you.
The top who tried to lock me in his London flat
When I was 22 and living in Manchester, I went for an interview in London. I was only small frame and twinky, it’s what the tops loved about me.
Someone my partner used to be friends with (his name is Alex) lived in London and offered his spare room for the night. Alex was in his 30’s and had his own younger boyfriend. I didn’t think for a second I would be at risk of harm.
After my interview I arrived at his in Canary Wharf and Alex offered me wine to celebrate. His boyfriend wasn’t around but I thought nothing of it.
The speed which Alex got drunk was worrying, and before I knew it he was offering my his boyfriends clothes to wear for a night out in Soho. Wondering where his boyfriend was, Alex responded saying he was staying away.
His boyfriend started calling and there was suddenly hushed conversations and a realisation for me that his boyfriend didn’t know I was staying. Not a situation I haven’t been in before – I’d spent my youth with older gay men trying to sleep with me behind their boyfriend’s back. His boyfriend was cottoning onto something unfolding but was out of London. His boyfriend didn’t need to worry, I personally found Alex repulsive, but I understand his boyfriend wouldn’t know that.
Attempting to calm the situation I suggested I stay in a hotel and his boyfriend come back to London for us all to go for dinner. Rapidly the atmosphere shifted.
Alex went into what seemed like a panic, suddenly putting all energy into persuading me to stay. He looked at my suitcase in my hand and stormed towards me, took it out my hand, and put it back in the bedroom. Still thinking he was just acting up from the alcohol I followed him to the bedroom to take it from him.
Alex then left the room, and I watched him walk up the corridor to the front door; he locked it and stood in front of the door staring at me.
I knew then I was in a dangerous situation. Being sober, I tried to calmly deescalate the situation and asked for Alex to unlock the door, he refused. After numerous attempts, I could feel him becoming enringed so I tried to force me way through, unsuccessfully. Quite honestly I could have physically taken him, but due to my naivety I still wanted to ‘remain respectful’ because he had offered to put me up for the evening. I was justifying his actions because he was drunk, but looking back now that man deserved nothing more from me than a kick to his throat.
Realising he was aggressively preying on me, I called my boyfriend on loud speaker and told him exactly what Alex was trying to do to me. Never have I seen a grown man crumble to such a pathetic, whimpering human after acting like a preying aggressor. Although my boyfriend was shouting to see if I needed the police, Alex had already unlocked and opened the door and escaped to the bedroom. I left instantly and took the first train home.
What I would do to see that man again – I would love to address him face on and tell him what a pathetic coward he is. He’s no man.
The sauna where I fell asleep with six men around me
I once also fell asleep in a sauna with six men around me, and although I’m assured nothing happened to me I still don’t know to this day is that is true.
Although not a regular visitor to saunas, I went through a period in my mid twenties where I visited them a few times. I was feeling lonely in London and so looked saunas to fill that void – quelle surprise, it never worked.
I had been out all night partying and it was likely around 8am. As the fresh faced, blue eyed boy, men had been chasing me down all night in the sauna, but thankfully I had acquired a friend and we’d spent the hours talking, drinking, and meandering around. However, in my usual drunken-naïve and innocent way I picked up other men to join our social gathering, forgetting those men weren’t looking for a social gathering, they were looking to top me.
As the hours rolled on, I became sleepy, and in a cinema room with porn showing I fell asleep, with six men around. Five of whom I cannot say had my interest at heart.
When I woke up I didn’t feel anything had happened, I didn’t feel violated, but everyone was still there. I don’t know how long I had been out for me.
The person I had befriended that night assured me nothing happened to me, he says he stayed beside me to protect me but warned against falling asleep in a sauna again. I think I trust his words, but how can I ever know?
That night was a wake up call for me; I don’t think I’ve visited a sauna since.
My unreported rape by a senior police officer
However, to this day, my biggest regret is not reporting the policeman who raped me, even though, deep down, I always knew it was rape.
It wasn’t a traumatising ordeal in that it wasn’t a stranger pinning me down and raping me, and so it hasn’t had the long-lasting, damaging mental health affects that rape can have on people.
But I regret not reporting it because I regularly wonder how many young gay men he has done it too since. And knowing he goes for very young guys, I would call them young, impressionable boys than men.
I know he got me extremely drunk and although I can never be sure if he drugged me, I lost all control of myself and passed out cold in his spare bed. I awoke to him inside me bareback.
This was long before PrEP existed, so not only was this rape, it could have had long-term effects to my health.
I never consented to that sex and he knows he never had the right to it.
But with someone so senior in the police, and being seen as such a young ‘airhead gay’ who was drunk, I stood no hope of taking it further.
It feels like the time is right to report it, yet I still don’t. The truth is I’m still friends with the man – it’s the typical groomer story isn’t it; befriend them and fuck them after you’ve got them blind drunk, then proceed like nothing’s happened and be an outwardly polite and respectful human being.
It makes me angry that he did it, it makes me angry that I haven’t reported it, and it makes me angry that I’m still friends with him, unable to tell him straight what I truly think. I feel I can’t report him because my memory is hazy from the alcohol, and it was so long ago, what if I destroy his long-standing career in the police force and I am wrong? How could I do that to another human being?
But I can’t be wrong, why would I imagine that I woke up to him inside me bareback, and I had to push him off me then go to the bathroom to escape from it. The human mind doesn’t imagine that scenario by accident. And yet… it remains unreported.
And this is the complexity of rape in the gay community; so many of us are victims, and so many of us choose not to report it.
Reporting rape in the UK
You can use these resources if you’re considering reporting a rape that has happened to you, whether recently or in the past.
Rape Crisis England & Wales – a charity supporting rape survivors
Police.co.uk – the national website for policing in England, Wales and Northern Ireland.
Metropolitan Police – London’s police force and largest police force in the UK
Scotland Police – Scotland’s own National Rape Task Force and Rape Investigation Units
GOV.UK – central government’s advice on reporting rape, as well as support resources available in Scotland
Have you been raped by a police officer?
If you’ve been raped by a police officer in any force, you can use the Metropolitan Police’s new reporting hotline to report it. Although it was set up for reporting crimes by Metropolitan police officers, the force has said it will pass on all crimes by police officers to relevant forces across the country.
Telephone number: 0800 085 000
Information can also be provided through Crimestoppers online.
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